As a rugby union fan and noted Harlequins supporter Jet frequently feels shame. Usually when someone asks me what football team I support and I reluctantly have to confess that I’m more of a Quins man. A lot of people don’t realise that Harlequins is a club so awesome that Bob Dylan wrote a song about us. Which I can quote you directly: “come all without, come all within, you’ll not see nothing like the Mighty Quin(n)”s.

Quins are so awesome in fact that we got to the quarter finals of the European Cup last year. And only lost by a point. Which is pretty hard to believe when you realise that Dean Richards, our coach, is a criminal mastermind so genius that he thought of a wheeze too blatant for anybody ever to suspect. (more…)

Apparently there really is no more news. I quote this pretty much verbatim from the BBC news channel:

A large fish died inappropriately.

Usually fishmen haul it out, pose with it and then throw it back, I guess before it suffocates. Benson, to his friends, has suffered this near-death experience 63 times. But now some evil, inexperienced fisherman has fed Benson THE WRONG KIND OF NUTS. WHICH KILLED IT DEAD. Fisherfolk, apparently, are in mourning. To others perhaps this ignorant fish-killer has done Benson a favour.

But seriously, has BBC Cambridgeshire nothing better to be doing? The news channel even took time out from covering the oh-so-important SWINE FLU WILL KILL FOOTBALL story for this.

… and he will not stop until you are dead. People say that the double hit of local and European elections this weekend will finish off his ill-starred premiership. But expectations are already so low it’s likely that even Labour can attain them. Wise people tell me that Labour can lose up to 200 local councillors without it being disastrously bad and they only need a 20% share of the vote to match the 2004 European election results.

Plus the spin cycle for these elections is extensive. The local results will come in through Friday. They’ll be bad but, given the calibre of Gordon’s rivals (Alan Johnson, it seems, heads the succession for doing little more than not holding a banana in an incriminating fashion), not bad enough. The Sunday newspapers are invariably grisly for Brown but then on Sunday night the European election results are announced. Brown might even do better than Blair did in ’04, one of Labour’s worst ever election results. Then we’ll have to endure the triumphalism of low self esteem as we’re told the economy and humanity have been saved, the pound is strengthening, stock market is rising, hope springs eternal.

In fact the pressure is all on Cameron. The expenses saga, which I have not been following (it was all downhill for me after duck-house-gate), has hurt Labour. But then so has, and I list this in no particular order, everything that’s happened since September 2007. But the never ending sequence of bizarre expense claims has somehow morphed into a boon for Brown. Because now any election results that go awry can be blamed on petty-crime-gate rather than being, say, some kind of judgment on the government’s governance. Labour may take a greater hit as the incumbent but it turns out that Tory politicians are more amusing than their opponents. Taxpayers may not appreciate paying for their political masters property empires or for their Chancellor to game his own tax system (shouldn’t he already know how to do this?) but cleaning this guy’s moat is taking the piss.

The pressure is all on Cameron, and hence the more ruthless purge of his own benches, because he needs to style himself as a government in waiting. And after what will probably be underwhelming results for all major parties at the European election, you won’t need to be Alastair Campbell to point out that Cameron’s Tories aren’t doing as well as Blair’s Labour were at a comparable stage in opposition.

The never-ending story will go on and on. Everyone will say Brown is rubbish, Brown will say wait till the Cabinet reshuffle/the election of a new Speaker/insert next event coming up on the horizon and no one will dare replace him and on and on this weird cycle will go, repeating itself without apparent end. In the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is king.