CricketSo we’ve regained the Ashes and that’s all well and good, but do we have the intangible ‘aura’ that Strauss claims the Aussies have lost? And have they actually lost it? I’m not so sure.

Have a look at the two sides and, well, there really is no comparison. Take the swarthy, gum-chewing Brad Haddin for example, caked in sunscreen and constantly chirping away at our hapless batsmen. Compare him to his opposite number, Matt Prior, a man apparently ageing Benjamin Button-style, who looks about as intimidating as, err…Graham Swann. They have Mike Hussey, we have Paul Collingwood; they have Peter Siddle, we have Stewart Broad. You get where I’m going with this.

And then there’s Ricky Ponting, a man who looks like I would imagine a convict looking like if I’d never seen a convict before, which, come to think of it, I haven’t. He has a cool weather-beaten cap and a permanent 5 o’clock shadow. In other words, he looks like a bad boy. Compare him with our leader and figurehead Strauss, with his high-pitched voice and gaylord wedding ring necklace. Who looks more like winning a game of cricket?

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So Gordon Brown won’t interrupt his holiday to say something about the release of a convicted mass-murderer from prison. But he will respond to pressure to congratulate a sports team from a different country for winning a trophy smaller than a midget’s left bollock.

What a douche.

There’s no denying it. For the last two summers in this country we’ve been shortchanged by the weather and then some. We’ve stumbled into the meteorological kebab shop at quarter past three on a Friday night and handed over a twenty pound note for a chicken donner only to receive £2.50 in change. During July and August for both 2007 and 2008, as Southern Europe was getting Southern fried, in good old Blighty we were donning life jackets and learning how to swim (or not) as record floods swept the country.

This is not acceptable. The reason it’s such a slap in the face is that I’m a staunch defendant of the weather in this country and the constant cheap shots people take at it offend my blind patriotism. (more…)